NOW I KNOW WHAT RAIN REALLY IS

I suspect there will come a time when I won’t need to describe anything anymore….but truthfully, not anytime soon. It was a hard day for me. We found out last minute that the girls would stay at the Monastery for classes. I was the only one that got to go with the Brothers to the Center. Today was the day the Brothers were taking the Disabled children on an outing, something they had been so very excited about and looking forward to.

I got there and started looking for some women to give me instructions on what help they needed. I ran into the “PT” and said HI. She informed me that she will be attending to the children on the outing and I will need to stay with the others (meaning the most disabled ones who could not go) I actually felt this would be a benefit as I could just work with the kids with less interruption. I started making rounds and saying "Hi" to all the remaining kids while the other ones excitedly piled into the buses.

One small child sat there on the ground behind a bench crying uncontrollably. I bent over to console her but she would have none of that. I couldn’t figure out if she was hurt until a Brother came up to me and spoke to the little girl in Luganda. He turned to me and said that she is not hurt but just upset that she cannot go with the other kids.

I felt horrible for her. I didn’t know what to do so I picker her up (she was a big girl) and took her over to some of the other kids lined up along the railing to form a little social group. I pulled up a chair and cradled the girl rocking her and just saying “ I know I know, It’s hard and it’s not fair, I’m soo sorry”. The Center is not yet equipped to take the severely disabled children on outings just yet. The little girl eventually calmed down and I put her back on the floor where she scooted away.

I sat there in front of a line of very petite little beings all twisted with CP. I got all of them to smile. I picked them up one by one and did the PT I taught myself the day before. They smiled and rather liked it. I tried to stabilize them near the pelvis so they would try and use their own muscles to sit. I suddenly felt a wave of despair pass over me. There were so many kids, how could doing this with everyone for 5 min make any difference? I had to ponder that as I tried to get the kids to smile.

I passed the resident Dr and asked if he had a moment to talk and that I knew he was busy. The Dr has to check out all the kids in the AM and then treats the staff and then opens the local clinic to the public for the rest of the day. He is very busy. I was hoping to hear about the diagnosis of the children, any active fractures or dislocations I needed to be aware of. The children were "good to go" for PT per the MD but it is unfortunate that they are not yet keeping charts. 

I saw the little girl on the stretcher, whom I had seen the day before, lying there staring. I went over and said "Hi" to her and touched her lightly as I had remembered she appeared sensitive the day before. She did at least look at me today. The woman in charge, Edee, saw me talk to her and told me her name (which I forgot). It is an odd thing, the names. They are all Christian and not Uganda names. The sisters and Brothers all have Christian names as well (Philomena, Winifred, John, Charles, Linus)

I spent the morning working with the kids and then cleaning dishes. I was asked by Edee to assist in  feeding the kids. There was very limited help today because of the outing. I was determined to do a better job of it today. No go. Edee at first looked a bit irritated with me because I was slow and spilling most of the food on this poor kids chest. I tried to laugh at myself with her and explained that I had never had children. I asked if she could tell and laughed. It took her a bit to realize that although I was fully incompetent with efficient feeding, I was at least trying.

I asked her to show me how to feed this one particular child who did not want to eat. She started warming up to me, smiled and was very helpful. I did note there was a slight communication struggle which may have accounted for my understanding of her reactions. I tried to ask her what she felt the kids needed most but she did not understand the question. That was OK. We were now buddies and she knew I was there to help her and work hard. 

Edee is a woman of 60 something. She has a stern but Motherly look to her…someone who commands order, who doesn’t shout, who just shakes her head and takes care of the work not done. She directs her girls with authority and can be sharp if you are messing up. She was a sister at the Monastery who was coming daily to help cook and clean. She felt a “love in her heart” as she puts it and decided to stay there 24/7 as the resident Mother in charge. She has soo many children to look after (3 dorms). Nearly all require assist for everything. I told her she is an angel and that I can’t imagine how hard her job must be. She said again, “I feel the love in my heart. A person cannot do this job without feeling the love in their heart” How right she was.

I was called in to prayer by one of the Brothers. He came to get me. Truth is I heard the bell but Edee was left with so many kids to feed while the Brothers observed noon prayer and meal. I was hoping they wouldn’t notice I was gone as I was not a professed religious. I was sad to see they had been waiting for me and holding lunch. I felt bad about this. I joined in late and one of the Brothers handed me a book and pointed to where they were. 

It then hit me…what hit me, I don’t know, but I started to cry….tears started streaming down my face and I was struggling to hold them in. I was dripping from the eyes and nose it was so bad. I couldn’t excuse myself during prayer as that would have been disturbing. I was hoping the Brothers would have their eyes and heads in the prayer books and not at me. I ran out to the bathroom as soon as prayer was over and contained my emotions. I managed to hold it together the rest of the day. I am not sure what it was. It may have been the overwhelming needs of the children. It may have been that I felt incompetent in assisting in any useful way today. It may be because the work I have been asked to do, cannot be done until so many other basic care needs are addressed. I am not sure why I cried…maybe I cried because of the children with all of their needs. I have never been one to feel fully comfortable around small children but something in my heart feels that these little ones are there to teach me. 

AHH ...just breathe...

On a different note, I now know why the roads are full of pot holes that can eat a car here in Africa. You have NEVER seen a real rain until you have seen it rain here. It doesn’t just rain hard….imagine a fire hose big enough to hit an entire building and turn it on full force for 2 hours with absolutely no let up….that is more like it….there were floods all throughout town though this is normal. Now I know why the roads look as they do, blacktop and tar has nothing on rain like this…it carries the dirt and tar alike away. The dirt roads had rivers running through them. Funny thing is, 15 min later everything is dried up. The ground just soaks it in. 

The rain sort of helped wash away my angst. I came home feeling like I worked as hard as I possibly could. I did not sit down at all except for lunch. I washed dishes like this was the most important job in the world. I only wish that what I was doing even now, made some difference, that it helped some, in some small way. I really am not sure. That is the hardest thing to deal with.