My heart is wrenching….I have been here 4.5 months in a
year’s service and I feel that I have too much yet to do to be nearing the half
way point. I came with one conscious thought, to serve. I have a much clearer
thought now of the subconscious motivation behind all of that.
Living in a monastic environment forces one to take the time
to think, be quiet and to stay focused. The routine, the prayer times, the
eating and sleeping schedule, all lend itself to allowing the hidden to bubble
up and break open the heart.
I felt this within the first few weeks though I protested hard
and resisted any thought beyond work. Work is what I know. Work I can
do…especially physical work. I can work intensely and passionately. I know
work…work has been my friend. I have also unknowingly hidden parts of myself
behind it.
I was adamant that I did not come here to heal. I am “FINE,
WELL, HAPPY” My conscious mind did believe all that. I came to be the one to
help, the one to serve…not to be served, not to be helped. I need no one…I can
function alone says my mind…my heart breaks open…is broken open.
The children have stolen that heart of mine that needs no
one. They have taken it and asked for more… they have pierced it when they are
hungry or sad or ill…it spills over until they stop crying. They ask for more
but my heart is broken…broken open….I have nothing to give. I give from an
unseen well….It is not mine. They ask for more.
Whose heart is it anyway? I don’t recognize who I am…I am
the one who needs no one…aren’t I??? I now have an unquenchable need for “being
with….” the rest I have not yet figured out…my heart is too broken open…the
kids are crying for more…the people are crying for more…
I have an unspoken deal with God. I will experience
unconditional love once before I leave this world. Who am I serving? I am the one
being served, the one being helped…the children cry out for more…every drop of
my broken open heart is theirs…I give it all…they are the ones filling it with
the essence of pure LOVE…a love, which I have never felt.
As Simeon said in the temple “Lord, now let your servant go
in peace, your word has been fulfilled….”
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